The Single Hood

So one of my friends was telling me how now that I am single I should take some alone time and find out what was similar or what I liked about each guy I ever dated. You know, things like what exactly drew me to them. Maybe after some reflection I would get my Eureka or Aha moment on the kind of men I'm attracted to. From my rumination however, there was nothing common among them. They were all so different in their own way. So either I have this innate and boundless capacity to love despite people's differences or I don't know what I want. I am yet to arrive to a conclusion dear friend.

My break-ups and single seasons have been a gateway to enlightenment on how to get over heartaches or pain and I might as well share them.

• Feel the pain. 

I learnt that the only way to get over pain is feeling it. Go through all those emotions. Let it take its course through your spirit and body. Don't keep them in. If you don't go through them, all that negative energy will be projected to the next person who wants to get to know you and that is not fair to that person nor to you. You were hurt and you were betrayed. You are allowed to be mad, to be angry, to cry, to lack sleep and to eat. Yes to eat. For me, I could finish two packets of Mills Bakers Queencakes(The largest packet) in three days and a whole lot of digestive biscuits. My sweet tooth feels goes on overdrive state when I'm sad. Case in point; You are allowed to believe that the world around you is crushing but only for a little while.

• Let go. 

I don't mean you go on a rampage to ruin your ex's life as much it may be justified. I hope I am reaching out to rational people and not functioning psychopaths. I also don't mean you go for rebounds or "entanglements". As far I am concerned they don't do a thing to help other than make you feel even worse about yourself. Leave the rebounds for the basketball court. You can only allow yourself to be bitter for so long. Whether you want to write all you feel in a piece of paper and burn it or whether you want to go all Halsey and write those you should be sorry lyrics, find a way to breathe and be calm. You have to get to a place or point where when you come across your ex you won't feel like your heart has been shattered to smithereens. The pain might stilll be there but because you allowed yourself to feel it in the first place, it wont be much of a big deal.

• Accept it

Accepting means reaching that place where you are not confusing future probabilities with present facts. May be you thought he or she was the one you were going to spend your life with but hey, what is life? The present fact is now you don't have a partner to share your daily life with or share all things that lovers do. So where does this leave you? By yourself. You will be alone with some pangs of loneliness but you will know it is not the end of the world. Losing love does not mean you will never find love again.

Part of this step means you get to accept those tiny little bits about yourself you thought were not good enough. So you don't have dark hair, or a pretty nose, or pretty nails, or full lips, or gorgeous earlobes( Haha), or your skin tone isn't even. Whatever you don't have doesn't make you any less beautiful. For the guys,not having a beard does not make you any less of a man. Those tiny bits make you you and you are good enough the way you are.

Accepting also means coming to the fact that probably you were the one who was toxic in that relationship and not your partner. That toxicity probably led to the relationship ending which is actually good because you now have a chance to work on that toxicity and have healthy relationships.

• Heal

Not the easy part whatsoever. From my observation I think guys take a longer time to heal than girls. (Guys, we will have a discussion about that sometime). Anyway, this is the part where you pick yourself up and I will not lie; it requires a whole lot of psychological endurance. You are a broken empty jar. You have to pick the pieces, glue them together but that is not the end. You have to fill that broken jar.

Healing is a time when you discover what makes you happy. It is the time you do what you are passionate about. It might be painting, writing, baking or travelling. Whatever fulfills you, you do it. You as might as well work out, cut your hair, dress up and look damn well fine. You have to feel comfortable being by yourself. You have to feel and know that you are complete. That notion that another person is to complete you is a whole lot of rubbish(British accent). So fill that glued up broken jar until it overflows with so much love and awesomeness my dears. This overflow is what you will share with the next person who will walk into your life. This person deserves a whole you and not bits of you. If you cannot be that vulnerable just chill. No business about settling and loving halfly. It should be all about loving fully.

The thing about healing I think everyone should know is that there is no particular timeline. Whether it takes a month, three months or two years to heal is totally up to you. After healing there should be no comparison to previous loves. If you find yourself comparing, you are not there yet. You don't have to bend to your friends rule or someone who is telling to get over it because it has been long overdue. Truth is, they are not you and they did not go through what you went through. So you can tell them you know they come from a good place but they might as well let you be( In short they should bugger off). It doesn't mean that just because you got over a heartbreak quite fast you did not love them strong enough. Neither does it not mean you are stuck up on someone because you are taking a long time to heal. Your experiences were your own. Just heal and move on by your own terms. 

Embrace the murkiness of your single seasons. They are not that bad. They have much to offer especially when it comes to personal development.

Till Next time dearies......

Chao!!

❤