That Crush of Mine

There I was roaming the streets of FaceBook when boom, I bumped into the profile of a guy I had a crush on like seven years ago. Curious, I went to his timeline just to check what was going on with his life and I found out that he got happily married. As I scrolled through his timeline, memories of that time just flooded my mind. I had actually forgotten about this particular crush because that is what is supposed to happen with crushes right?

Crushes are those people who take over your mind so intensely for a short while. They give you those fluttery butterflies and chills only for a moment and after those moments, those chills somehow expire leaving you with that kind of feeling you get after an adrenaline rush. At least that was how I felt after I stopped crushing on him. I felt alive, awakened and just brightly awesome.

So this crush of mine was Hindu. Yes, Hindu. How I came across him was cliché but he always happened to be on the path I used to take home from my CPA classes around five in the evening. It was that particular corner of Aga Khan Hospital. If you come from Kericho you probably know it. I thought he would be just one of those random people who stick around for a day or two because well he was Hindu anyway. They always have somewhere to be. 

Days turned into more than two days and there was no indication he was going anywhere. You know how those interactions always start; a smile on day one, two, three and then the Hey Hey’s in the days that follow plus a few words here and there. We finally got to exchange numbers and let me tell you I was on top of the world.

Now, I was just fresh out of high school and I was sort of confused on how to navigate life after high school. Having been in boarding school for some years of my primary and then high school, I never quite knew what to do with all the freedom I had, let alone what to do when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. I interacting with a guy and a Hindu for that matter was over the top for me and quite nerve-wreckingly thrilling. He was really nice and beautiful. His Kiswahili was perfect. That Hindu accent was barely there.

I actually don’t remember what the hell we talked about but what I do remember is that I really liked touching his hair. That was as intimate as we got (if that counts as intimate...ha-ha). If I happened to have gone home already, he would come at the gate with his really cool bike and we would talk for a few minutes then he would go on his way. I am not talking about Bajaj bodabodas and the like my friends. I am talking about those Ducati class bikes. I can't recall the exact model though. I didn’t even know if that bike was his but what did I care. He looked really cool. A girl here loves bikes and was totally in crush. It felt dangerously good meeting him and I think we shared that feeling.

Anyway, our little rendezvous’ and merry adventures ended after like two and a half weeks. I never again heard from him and neither did I receive a text from him. I think he lost my contact and I just never bothered to text him back. It was those Kabambe ages. Losing contacts was as a normal occurrence. What I think however is that someone saw us and told him to just quite whatever it was we were having. He was Hindu, I was African. We never could work. The crush I had just withered like it was supposed to. I never saw him at that corner ever again and with time I just forgot all about him altogether until I bumped into his profile years later. The crush was good while it lasted and in any case I met my first boyfriend so all was good.

I’m smiling as I write this because crushing on someone has always brought a smile to my face. They were all unique but they all left me feeling like I have this capacity to give people a place in my space even if it is for a little while. I totally don’t understand the semantics, biology and the psyche on why we crush on people. To me it’s like my soul as a being is reminding me that I can have these periods of liking someone without fear because however the crush might end the end, it is not meant to break me but to make me feel alive.

I think the soul has its way of searching for its own excitement and adventures but not at the expense of our hearts. I think it is the soul which makes us aware that we have a crush on someone and therefore it frees the heart from pain and too much reasoning. By the soul untying itself from the heart for those brief but exhilarating moments, crushes run their course for hours, days, weeks or just short enough for the soul to get its share of rush as it breezes by this earth. It doesn't matter if we act on the crush or not. 

For those moments we are giddy, we do crazy things to be noticed, we are hopeful, we are absolutely restless, we smile and laugh a lot, we are daring, we are shy yet courageous and we have this sort of an out of body experience. I think that is why we always remember our crushes with such fondness. At least that is how I feel when I reminisce them.

So before the soul ties itself back to the heart, before the heart gets back to doing its thing and before we boggle our minds with feelings, we get to live through these rare, gorgeous and beautiful brief moments. For those moments, we get to be happy.
That is one thing I love about being human.

❤