The Letter Series-2

Dear Dearest,

It is my desire that you are well. I did receive your letter and I must say that I am very glad. My heart feels so full and soft. For my part, I have been up and about. I have been anxious and quite unsettled. There are those times when we have feelings which can never be explained really. During those times, I feel like there is a wrecking ball waiting to knock me off my feet and it is scary. Scary for me because intuitively, I almost always have an inkling of what is to come as much as life follows its own path. I panic when I feel like I can’t control whatever it is that I know I can control. I almost gave up on writing this letter because words evaded me. That is what happens when I have these bouts of anxiety. There is nothing which scares me like words evading me. It usually happens when I am verbally talking to someone but if it happens when I am to ink or type words then I feel totally lost. That is not a good feeling to feel. Personally, it is a brutal feeling because this is the only way I channel my emotions so that I can say the words which are lost when I speak.

Nevertheless, I got to harness some positive energy from the uncertainty and gloom. I got to pen these words for you because I made a promise. Promises are binding and you can be rest assured I do not intend to untie the cord that binds. You asked me to tell you what brings me joy. I have been mulling over that question for all this while. I know it is a question I shouldn’t have to think about because joy is a subset of happiness. I should be able to just state what makes me happy. We all can say in under a minute what make us happy but I have been anxious. I couldn’t seem to bring out what brings me joy. So, to give you an idea of what brings me joy, I’ll tell you a little bit of what life has shown me these past six months.

I was in some little green heaven somewhere in this Kenya. I won’t tell you all about that little village because that is a whole long story but I’ll tell you what I experienced. I found beauty in so many things in that place called home. It is a quiet place located away from the bustle of town life. Those six months went by so fast but I loved it. I herded cows and had a run with calves. Those calves can run I tell you. I think to them they think you are playing while in real sense you just want them to stop and listen. I identified like ten species of birds and it was amazing just watching them do their thing. Fly from tree and tree while keeping watch of the washing bay outside so that they can feed on the ugali pieces and rice grains left on the plates. The songs they made were something I always looked forward to every day. Home is the kind of place where you’d find a hare just lazing around on your lawn on some random day. Those long-eared pretty beings are a menace though. They feed on vegetables and they nibble tiny tea plants. They are just bad news with all the losses they bring. 

Home is the kind of place where we deal with peculiar animals like porcupines. Those are stubborn ones. You won’t believe that they chew the base of maize stalks to fell them. They then go for the maize, peel off the cover, eat the grains and leave the cob for you like the loser you are. Bright quilly creatures they are. All these porcupine shenanigans happen during the night. Trapping them is a whole other science. Did I mention that our matriarch ewe locked my mother in the latrine? It just followed her, waited for her to get in, locked her in then went on its grazing business. We had a good laugh that day. Lesson learnt: do not tether the sheep close to the latrine. Such is life in that place.

Home is the kind of place where you can watch rain coming from ridges far way. Depending on the ridge from where the rain is coming, we can tell if the rain will reach home. It is the kind of place where you dare not use cold water because it will freeze you to the bone. Temperatures drop to lows of 9 degress Celcius. I don’t think people there have sex naked. Well unless they are having it near a fireplace. The cold has never bothered me much anyway. I saw full rainbows and their reflections and not just glimpses which quickly fade. 

I saw the moon wax and wane as the months passed by. On clear night skies, I made out the constellations and saw a shooting star. That is the gift brought about by the absence of light pollution at night. You get to see the whole stretch of the Milky Way and appreciate the beautiful the star- lit sky. Its magnitude makes me realize I am just a speck in this universe. That place I call home offers an escape from the noises in life. It is magical and surreal. I would really love to have a home in such a place sometime in the future.

What I am trying to tell you is that, those little moments mattered. They mattered because I felt at peace. They brought me peace. That peace gave me joy and that joy added to my happiness. I don’t think there is joy without peace. Peace is the cornerstone of joy. Whatever brings me joy will depend on the peace I find in a particular place, person, thing or time. Life moves fast and we have been left to find joy in shallow places or things. Shallow things can be taken away from us and leave us distraught. 

So yeah, I have learnt to notice the little things which escape other people’s eyes. It is the little things that matter. It is the kind people, sunny days, eating peanuts on rainy days, the waning and waxing moon, rainbows, flowers, being rained on, chasing calves and the unusual sheep behaviour. To answer your question, whatever brings me peace, brings me joy.

You must think I am pretty complicated I know. I am really not. I am just a girl who sees life through different lenses. I get to appreciate and find joy in little things. It is really that simple. I hope I answered you well enough and that you understood. I would really like to know what brings you joy too. I hope you will not be afraid to tell me. Let not my many words scare you way. You do know I am not one to pressure. You are free to share your two cents when you feel comfortable enough to tell me.

I still miss you. I do wish to hear from you soon and I do wish you a blessed October.
Be safe and take care.
I leave you in love and in peace.❤
Until next time, Chao!

Yours with love,

Truddie

P.S: Let not my anxiety worry you. It will pass. I will be okay.