The Letter Series-3

Dear Dearest,

Hey you!!!! I hope everything is well. Here I am trying to study for an exam but all that is running in my mind is love. And no, it is not the friendship kind of love but the romantic kind of love that is running through my mind. You know, the intimate kind of love that might or might not probably lead to marriage. I don't know about you but I am at that point in life where so many questions about everything are running through my mind. It is like I just woke up and suddenly I realized that chance has little to do with falling in love. That chance and fate has little to do with whom I will love and spend my life with. May be I am just overthinking and complicating everything but am I really?

You know my cousin says I am stubborn at heart or is it hard at heart when it comes to love but that is not the case. I think may be I have reached a point where I have realized love is about choosing someone. I don't mean that you settle for just anyone then you learn to love that person. NO. That is bullshit. Also, it is not that I am nullyfing the butterfly feelings and the connections you feel which all lead to you feeling like you are falling in love. Those feelings will be there but at the end, it is all about deciding if you wanna be with that person. Deciding means you have to choose. So in real sense the heart what it wants yes but you will have to choose who you will love. See, I am not hard at heart for thinking about this. Taking my time does not mean that I am being stubborn.

Okay, looking at the optics of the situation, may be I am scared. I am scared. It is not a bad thing to be scared right? Me being scared probably just means I still have to give myself time to meditate about all this. I know I should not be scared because love knows no fear but I am. I mean I have lived enough to know that love is about being truly intentional with someone. It is about having this thing in your heart where you want the best for someone's well being without compromising your own well being. It is about walking down that road together. It is about being with someone whose values match yours. It sounds easy but if there is one thing which is a paradox in this life is love. It is looks perfectly simple on the surface but then again it can get perfectly and deeply complicated...Uurrgggghhh.

Being in a generation which is learning to question things, I have had time to think about a lot of important things. Things which most of the girls of the older generation couldn't question and suffered the consequences by living quite unhappy lives. So it only makes sense for me to question the intentions of someone. It is important for me to have those difficult conversations and have that persons two cents on other perspectives of life other than sex. Sure, sex and I mean great sex is VERY important. I definately have to have someone who touches me and makes me feel like I am holy. However, reality states that sex is not going to rule our lives. Would this person sit with me and have sane discussions with me about;
• Contraceptives? 

• Religion?

• Kids?( number and spacing or even if I don't want kids in the first place)

• His view on abortion? ( What is his view about abortion? What does he think of people who have had an abortion?)

• His view on child birth ?(you'd be surprised by the number of guys who think giving birth by C-section is weak. There is this lot of men who think they can control how we give birth as if they know what our bodies go through......MSCHEEEWW!!)

• Miscarriages?( would he hold my hand through the trauma? What is view on how miscarriages happen. Would he start blaming me for something that is literally out of my control?)

• Problems with conceiving?( would this guy be open to the fact that such things happen and it could be a problem on his side as much as it could be on my side too? Would he be open to go for testing with me? Or would he think I would think of him as less of a man by suggesting we go for testing?

• Adoption ?(would he be open to it or is it a deal breaker? )

• What about if our kid/s is born with a genetic disorder or chronic condition? Would he love this child no matter what or would he start thinking that he never signed up for that?

• What about us talking of the kind of inherited diseases that run through our families? Not just about the high blood pressure, diabetes, cancers. There is also the matter of addictions such as alcoholism( Yes, alcoholism has a genetic aspect to it). As much we can't control it, I think it is good to talk about this. 

• What of in-laws, in-laws and finances and boundaries and them crossing boundarie?Would he expect me to tolerate his yet he cannot tolerate mine? Would he listen if I feel like our personal spaces are being invaded?

• Finances?( our contributions, taking loans and all matters thereof)

• Investments and the legal aspects of the investments? ( Future husband, any investment in which we both have to contribute will have my damn name on it too)

• Education ?( I mean if both or one of us were to advance in careers, how would we go about it?

• Job transfers and having to move? How would we deal with that? Would he expect me to move around with him yet when it comes to me it would be a no no?

If you really open your eyes , there are so many things to talk about it. So no, I am not stubborn to take my time. There is this other side of love which is not so rosy. That side which is totally uncomfortable and unnerving. It only makes sense that I cover that ground. That I leave no stone unturned. It only makes sense to know what I am getting myself into.

I know you think I'm probably going to bombard the guy with all these at once. No I won't. These conversations will occur in bits over a period of time of course. No need to overwhelm and scare the son of a woman in a day😅. Of course I would also allow him to ask me questions. It is a two way street after all. These conversations can only happen when and if I know what I want. This means for my part, I should be at a place of surety and at a safe place because I know how deep my love goes. I know I can be intentional. I know how this heart of mine can be soft yet hard and strong yet fragile.

Aside from all that, we all carry some demons you know. I wouldn't want to delve into the demons I carry for now. May be sometime later. Anyway, would this special person look at my demons and their shadows and still think I am one hell of an angel? Would I think the same of him? We might not agree on everything of course or be on the same page about everything but there must be some understanding and some common ground despite our differences.

Love is beautiful. There is absolutely no doubt about that. But I think in this age and century, you are allowed to choose the person and path that would fulfill you the most. Choose the path that would make you happy because that is what matters; Your happiness.

So my dearest, my message to you about love is as simple as this; Pick or choose your struggles. Life is too short to not be happy.

Let me go back to my reading now. This exam won't pass by itself. Wish me the best.

Stay safe. Stay happy. May peace and love come your way.

Yours with love,

Truddie