Iss a Wrap 2020..............

 

I was not sure what to write about for the last post this year until I watched the movie The Old guard and got to hear this song 'Cruel World' by Active Child. The chorus goes like;

Keep your head up,
Hold your head up,
Even though it's a cruel world.
Count your blessings,
You won't need them when you're gone,
It's a cruel world.

The song had me thinking and reminiscing about this year; My hopes, my wishes and how I wanted this year to turn out. I really do not have much to show other than the fact that I am alive. Well to be honest this year started out in a blurry way for me. I had this feeling much wouldn't happen to me personally and turns out much didn't happen because well Covid happened. We have all felt its effects in one way or another. Also, this has been year three of being jobless. Damn!! Time moves fast. It totally sucks to be jobless by the way.

I have been angry at God, angry at the world and angry at myself. I have had this bouts of stress and anxiety. I have wondered where my energy went to. I have found most things exhausting to do. Add to that there is the matter of being the first born and coming to the realization that I am watching my parents getting older. It is scary. As years go by, I need to be able to take care of my parents as they age and being jobless just adds to the stress and anxiety. Being a first born feels like a curse sometimes. I hate it sometimes. You feel the pressure even if there is really no one pressuring you.

For this year also, I know there are friends who have probably thought I am selfish or self absorbed mostly because I haven't contributed to or supported their business, hustles,birthdays, baby showers, bridal showers, gender reveals, weddings, et cetera et cetera. These fancy special days are increasing by the day. Ama ni ju sina pesa ndio maana naona zinaongezeka?... 😂😂😂. Anyway, my conscience is clear.I am not apologizing or stressing myself for not contributing because siwezi jiongezea stress ya kuomba pesa for entertainment aki. It is funny how people cancel you when you are at your lowest point then they seem to remember you when you have money. Not having enough money just shows you how the world or how people can be cruel. Anyway kama umecatch unaeza delete number😂. You can go ahead and just unsubscribe me from your life. I really don't care. To those friends who have stood by me, I will promote your hustles when this money comes. Saa hii nasaidia kuspread the word. So send those prayers of blessings and favour my way please.

Ooh, and I have been single for over a year now. Okay, that is really a non-issue. It has been good and bad. Sometimes it is lonely and sometimes it is awesome. There has been a lot of self reflection and self discovery. I am in no hurry to have a man in my life really and dating has its costs. I don't know if people realize that😂😂. I love it when I can treat my man to dates be it dinners, road trips e.t.c as much I can treat myself to the good things. Dating should be fun and spontaneous and that needs money. It probably may not make sense to some of you but yeah..part of the reason sina haraka is because as of now I am not financially fit as much as I am physically fit😂😂. There is a joy in having your own money.

This year has been too much really. Too much worry. Too much uncertainty. Too much everything. My troubles aside, I am truly grateful for a lot of things;

I am grateful I got to spend time with my mum and my dad. I am also grateful that they are healthy.
I am grateful I got to spend time with my sister and for her health.
I am grateful for my health.
I am grateful I got to start this blog.
I am grateful for the people who made me feel less lonely.
I am grateful for the people who have made me happy.
I am grateful for the smiles and laughters I have shared with anyone.
I am grateful I learned how to prep tea seedlings and how to plant them.
I am grateful I got to see twin lambs.
I am grateful I got to sell cabbages.
I am grateful for the sunrises and sunsets I got to see.
I am grateful for the rain and rainbows I have seen.
Hell, I am grateful I didn't lose my molar.
I am just grateful for everything whether big or small that made me feel alive.

Am I excited about 2021? Nope. I am definately not for sure. When things don't go the way you wanted for a very long time you just stop being excited about a lot of things. Despite my lack of excitement, I am hopeful;
I am hopeful I will have more peaceful days and nights.
I am hopeful that I will live and survive each present day and each unknown tomorrow.
I am hopeful that I will have the grace to accept and face any challenge.
I am hopeful I will see the future Mungu akipenda.
I am hopeful I will write more and I hope it will expand my territories.
I am definately hopeful I will get that job.

I also want to travel more and see new places,
I want to eat and drink in fancy places,
I want to make money,
I want my career to grow,
I want changes and the growth that comes with it,
I want to wear more cute dresses and those off-shoulders and embrace more of my femininity.
I want to make new friends.
I want a lot more good things in my life.
I just want to live and let live for I am never guaranteed to wake up alive each day that the sun rises.

The one greatest thing I have learnt this year is that HOPE IS A DANGEROUS THING TO LOSE. So try to never lose hope no matter how futile it gets.


May your Christmas and New Year be merry ,full of cheer, full of peace and full of love!!🤗🎄🎈🎊.

We will meet again sometime in January Majaliwa.

❤❤❤❤