And 2021 Dawns........

There was this time a long time ago I prayed for my relationship with a certain guy to end. It was a romantic relationship. I don't think I have ever told anyone that particular bit of that story. I have a tendency of giving bits and not all parts of my personal stories. In any case I am a terrible storyteller or experience teller.  I hardly talk about myself because words always get lost.

Anyway, I remember I was just tired of it all and I had a feeling in my gut that what we had wouldn't go anywhere. There are times you just feel like certain things will come to an end. You feel like you are not cut out for it or you just want more or less depending on your situation. It comes in waves  and fears but there is a always a kind of promise that there will be freedom  after it has ended.

Some people face it head on. I think those who do that know the true value of freedom. Some leave it to fate and the universe. I didn't leave it to those two because  I didn't really understand the complex dynamics of fate and the universe. It takes ages for the stars to align anyway. I left it to God. At least I knew Him in a way. Considering how I ended my previous relationahip via text, I really didn't want to deal with all that. That thing hurt me as much as I hurt him I guess. I don't know. Much is left to interpretation with texts. I won't ever do that again. For this time I was afraid honestly so I left it to God by saying a prayer. On that one October night just before I slept I whispered, "God, I want this relationship to end. Amen."

I remember sleeping peacefully. I remember the calmness I felt. Hell I even felt the air in Juja smelling fresh. I should have seen that as an omen because I never really liked the air in Juja.  I should have known it was just the calm before the storm because that simple prayer was answered in a week's time. And it was answered in a hell storm. I was not in the eye but I was at the periphery where I saw my world breaking down and the wind shattering my perfect calm. Where I was bounced up and about. Where I couldn't fathom what was happening. Where I felt myself shattering and pieces of me flying away.

For three days straight I was scared shitless. I was angry at the guy for putting me through all that trouble. I am not going to delve into the details but for all those 3 days I was speaking to that guy's family laywer and his parents. What a way to be introduced to the family. As you might guess I was the one at fault. The girl is always to blame in the kind of situation I was in. It wasn't fun. I swear if it turned out for the worst I would probably be rotting in some prison in Uasin Gishu.  I wouldn't be this person I am now.  However, the worst didn't happen and I was so glad. Life can happen and your world will get shaken or overturned and I only pray you have the grace to handle everything.

After all that drama, I ended that relationship myself. They say when you love someone, that the love lingers after a break up. Well mine didn't. It just went. I felt nothing. No emotion. Totally nothing. There was a void. A void filled with loud silence. I didn't cry. I was just over and done with him. The only thing left between us was basic human decency.

You know, people are always on a path to save themselves from something. Sometimes you are the light as they try to get out their shitty holes. And sometimes in saving themselves, they will drag you down, scratch you, project their fears on you and break you.  You will be the only one left with pain. I hope you learn that you can save yourself. It might feel cruel. You might be afraid of being lonely but when you realize you are not meant to be in constant fear of what someone might do to you. That you are not meant to give too much of yourself to someone who does not care about you. That you are meant to feel at home and at peace with someone. Then and only then will you let go. You always have that choice.

Another thing, I vowed never to ask God to deal with my human to human relationships. Why? Because  Eeeh...God can be dramatic and I think He is so because He knows I have the ability as a person to control my interactions. I can control who I let in and who I let go. That is the one gift God gave us on this earth. Whatever I can't control is God's business. It is easier dealing with people head on because to be honest prayer won't do anything other than act as a temporary band aid while it is the stitches you need.

See, prayer is something which still amazes me. The hoping. The faith. The waiting. The agony. The relief. Prayer does not have to be perfect or complex or too extra. And the answers. The answers come in various ways. They come as pain. They come as joy. They come as love. They come as shredded tapestries. They come as blessings hidden in broken pieces. Sometimes they are never answered. Sometimes we never notice that they were answered. And sometimes, we answer our own prayers by the choices we make. I think we do that most times. I only hope you always know when yours are answered and get to accept that sometimes they will never be answered according to your wishes.

Folks, I hope it is not too late to say Happy New Year.
So A happy new year to you all🤗🤗. 
I am back. Every Monday there will be something to look forward too.

My message for the year: Have the guts to let go. Have the guts to leave when it doesn't work. And most of all, I hope you get to know that some things or experiences  are meant for the short haul  and others for the long haul. Such is life.

See you next week.
Much love
Truddie❤❤