The Friend I Am

 

They say female friendships are one of the strongest bonds that can last through time and the troubles of life. And it is true. I’ve seen such bonds that have lasted from high-school, campus and some even from primary school. I have seen these ladies stick together, grow and uplift each other emotionally, financially and socially. They are there for each other’s birthdays, weddings, and career achievements.  

They call and exchange texts almost every day.  They go out and have these wonderful girl trips and adventures. These are the kind of friends who know each other’s mothers’ birthdays. They have conversations about everything and anything you can imagine. These are the kind of people who hold each other’s hands when any one member is grieving. These friends are each other’s cornerstone.

I do crave for such a friendship sometimes. However, I am also skeptical about having someone that close. Why I’m wary of such closeness is because I have seen the ugly and the messy side of such bonds. I have seen how friends became strangers because of the kind of unforgivable things they did to each other.  Also I am a person who over thinks too much and I just don’t seem to have the energy to keep the wheels running.

I know life is meant to be done in the company of others but I find comfort in being in my own space. I’m selfish when it comes to sharing my aura. It doesn’t mean I’ve never had girls who became close because I've had two good friends in this short life I’ve lived so far.

There was F who I met in boarding school. Ours was the kind of friendship which was more academic based than life based. There wasn’t much room to talk about life in a catholic school but we knew the basics of each other’s home set-up. The most personal thing we could talk about was about our menstrual cycles. Ours was mostly a competition on who did better in class, who was faster in washing clothes and eating ‘murram’ or githeri. There were no hard feelings. This girl with her smartness and toughness made my life in boarding school survivable. She made me want to do better.

Sadly, our friendship never lasted past primary school. I bumped into her sometime when I was in campus but it was all awkward. I guess so much time had passed. We had become strangers. We were living this life way beyond the confines of school. I honestly didn’t know where to begin.  For my part, I didn’t feel the connection we had anymore. We parted ways as soon as we exchanged pleasantries and that was that.

Then there is L who I met in high school. Now this was a wonderful one and I miss this girl a lot. She is such an amazing soul. I bet everyone who has met her can attest to that. I loved the moments we shared beyond books. I loved the bible verses and the prayers we wrote to each other on those bright sticky notes. I still have some of those notes in my Bible. She had and still has this beautiful penwomanship. Hell, I understood her notes better than I did mine. I loved the never ending stories she had, her zeal and passion for life and the way she spoke of the life she wanted. Most of all, I loved the sunsets we watched together.  It was a routine we had on some evenings. We held that time sacred as we watched the sun sink in the horizons Eldoret offered.  I have been in love with sunsets ever since.

I think the bond I had with L was stronger than the one I had with F. I still feel and remember the honesty and truth. I was more of the listener but I felt a sense of belonging with her. We may not talk as much but we chat here and there. We could do more if it were not for us being in different geographical areas. I still hold her close to my heart and I remember her every chance I get to watch sunsets.

I have been dissecting these friendships to find out what they say about me as a friend. Firstly, I must say friendships do take as much hard work as that needed in romantic relationships. Secondly, after much deliberation, I have come to accept that I make a terrible friend. I do this thing of detaching when I get separated from someone. I don’t reach out because I don’t like calling and neither do I like being called. Those people who ask for the best time and day to call are such precious gems by the way. Keep on asking because I really appreciate that. I do prefer texts but then again I can’t keep up with conversations and I hardly initiate conversations. My way of initiating conversations is reacting to memes or sharing a meme. Not the single ‘Hi’ greetings.

I don’t like hosting people and neither do I like staying over in people’s places. I’d probably turn down that coffee, lunch, dinner date because those social places make me anxious rather than comfortable. A wine tasting date would definitely be better. I loathe small talk. I’d rather talk about the Andromeda spiral, Aurora borealis or engineering marvels. I don’t know how to act during some serious life situations. Also, I am not one with solutions at the tip of my finger. People don’t call me as the first go to person. I think my child would be the first...HEHE. I listen better than I offer solutions.

I am just a handful.  That being out in the open, I don’t easily make friends. It would take a lot for me to meet someone halfway or for them to meet me halfway. I think it would be a lot harder for them to meet me halfway. Sometimes I envy those people who easily make besties but then I remember they are who they are and I am who I am.

I am this weird person who totally likes her own space and that is fine. I am not miserable because I lack such a person in my life. Maybe I just haven’t found the one who understands the frequency and wavelength I operate in. Maybe I just haven’t found someone who doesn’t see me as too much. In any case, there is no deadline for making a best friend.

In the mean time, I am unravelling. I am shedding the onion layers. I am slowly breaking down my walls. I am being intentional on myself while learning what being intentional in a friendship means. Someday, someway or somehow, I will get there. 

P.S..Have you ever asked yourself what kind of friend you are???