Fatal Attraction

You see him. You wonder where he has been all your life. His words seem like magic. His smiles cast spells. His voice seems the type to fire up your loins. Everything he does seems out of this world. You can’t stop thinking about him. You smile like an idiot when you remember his musky cologne. You notice everything about him. You even notice when he repeats clothes and especially that black pilot shirt which really looks good on him.

You start picturing yourself in his life. You imagine running your hands on his body. You wonder how his touch would feel. A shiver runs down your spine at that thought. You wonder how his lips would feel against yours. You wonder if they feel as soft as they look. You are convinced his kiss would melt your bones. You picture him and you in bed. You imagine the many trips to heaven. But imagining is not enough. You need to at least talk to him.

You start to “accidentally” bump into him. You slowly work on catching his eyes. You wonder if he has noticed you too. You want those things you were imagining to happen but you don’t want to rush things. You soon begin to exchange the Hi’s and have little small talks. You were right. His words ARE magic. It is the way they roll off his tongue. You like the way his cologne permeates the air feeding your attraction. You were right about his voice too. Your loins fire up. You look forward to seeing him and you have mini heart breaks when you don’t get to feast your eyes on him. You are not sure if he gets you but you got his number and he got yours. It is a step forward.

You are at home with your hand hovering over your phone’s keyboard wondering whether to text him first. But you change your mind. You are a little afraid. You feel a bit confused now that he is closer. You will wait for him to reach out. When he does, it is him reacting to the dark humour memes you love posting. You like that he gets those jokes.

You are enchanted. You don’t talk about anything serious but you share jokes and laughter. You are beginning to think that he actually likes you. You can even swear he can feel it too when he looks at you. You can’t dare start that conversation however. And yes, you are still madly attracted to him.

Then one day you see him talking to a girl. You’ve seen him talking to girls so many times only this time it feels different. That girl looks sophisticated. He is laughing. It isn't the way he laughs when he talks with you. He looks hooked. You feel that bubble of jealousy rising. You realize his words are magic to many more and not just you. You’re jealous not only of that girl but all the girls you haven’t seen him talking to yet. That feeling grips your being and you can’t stand looking at them. More so you can’t shake the thought that the attraction is one-sided.

All this time it was everything about him. Not you. You are now wondering if you what you feel is genuine. That woman looked so kept together. You are not. You are messy. You are fragile. You are many things which you know shouldn’t matter but they seem to matter at this point. That little fear has grown. You think you are not enough. You know you are beautiful but that seems not enough too.

You think that he probably talks to you because he pities you. You begin to avoid him. Blue ticks and all. You are somehow glad it didn't get far. You don’t see the point anymore. You want to know who she is but you think you’d rather not know. You are embarrassed of yourself and your feelings.

You are having a clash of instincts. His scent is revolting but you can still feel it pulling you in. His voice angers you but your loins continue to respond. His words feel like venom but you can still feel the magic. You avoid chances of meeting him altogether. You can’t stand the confusion which you know could be cleared by you just asking but you can’t bring yourself to. You like the pain. You are sort of a masochist.

You resent yourself and you resent the fact that deep down you know are still attracted to him. You might say you are craving for him. But even with that craving you feel you would disappoint him. You feel like you aren’t worth good things and good men. You don’t feel like you deserve him. You start thinking it won’t turn out the way you thought it would. You wonder how being attracted to someone can be so fatal to your spirit because it feels like it’s six feet under.

You ask me why you feel like that. I tell you that feelings of attraction are only that fatal when you don’t see them through. You my friend let your fear take over. You began to question your worth even if you knew you were and you are everything wonderful. I tell you that your spirit is not dead. It is in hiding. You are in limbo and you need to find closure. Whether good or bad, you will know your place in his life. Only then will your spirit come back to you. You will be free.