Is It Just Me?

Photo: Pinterest

You know as I'm getting older I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own space and self. It is a confusing process but I love that I'm discovering and learning more things about myself. The one thing I've realized from loving my own space is that I've definately been more selective with who I let in my world and especially when it comes to men. It's both a good thing and a bad thing I guess but then again it is a necessity in the path of growth.

Back then I used to be somewhat a hopeless romantic person. I say somewhat because I think I used to let myself believe I felt some things because everybody else was feeling it. I was afraid of saying what I really felt about some things or doing my own way of things because I believed being different was such an abomination. It was the in thing to be like everybody else.

So like most girls I did fantasize boys and meeting this prince charming who would enchant me with sweet words. Who would love kissing me senseless against the wall and twirl me on the dance floor like the princess I am. This boy would bring me stuff in my favourite colour because he wouldn't want to forget it. He would bring me flowers, always remember my favourite food and take me on endless romantic dates.

Right now I'm like "What in the actuall hell?"...He-he. I'm really not an actual hopeless romantic. I get more annoyed than excited when I am asked what my favourite colour or food is on the first go. I am more of a plant person than a flower person. I hate watching flowers wither then having to throw them. Also the smell sometimes puts me off. Flowers are more of reminder of death than life. I'd rather watch them bloom on plants. I'd just rather take care of a plant.

Pretty😍😍

And endless dates? Not really. I mean my social anxiety would allow me a couple but not endless ones. My dancing moves are a tad crazier than twirls and sometimes off beat. I'm really no princess. I realize I'm an adrenaline junkie so I'd prefer thrilling, starlit  adventures to candle lit dinners. What I mean is that car shows, long drives and sky diving feels like more fun to me. Basically the only thing in existence from my fantasizing young self is the kissing bit. Who doesn't enjoy fantasizing about bone melting kisses anyway?

I think I am on another level of intimacy. I'm more in the line of am I ready to be my whole self with this man? Would he notice my weird quirks and find them interesting? Like how I love the smell of petrol. Or how I also love eating milk cream which even tastes better when salted? Or how I enjoy eating ugali from the mwiko after it is off the fire? Or how I sometimes smell my panties just before washing them?

Would he notice those tiny details about me?  Like how far my eyes are from my nose bridge, the ear I prefer touching when I'm blushing and the insincere smiles? Would he notice the finger nails I prefer biting and the kind of food I prefer when I am ovulating or having my periods? Will I be able to change my pad or tampon in front of him? Would he be intimate enough to stick that pad on my underwear and surprise me when I get out of the shower one day?

Would we enjoy long moments of silence because God knows I don't have stories to yap about most times? Would he look at me, see me beyond my demons and not be afraid? Would he see himself through my eyes and feel safe to be with me? Would I feel the same when I see myself in his eyes? Would he kiss my scars and make them beautiful?

There are a lot more things I question about the realities of life and all of it just makes me take a step back. It can get lonely sometimes but I'm really not there yet. By coming into the fact that I'm not most girls but this girl, I'm appreciating these other whole levels of intimacy which go beyond my favourite colour and foods. Not that I'm disputing what I felt when I was young. I was just young and restless.
   
The more I'm understanding who this girl is, the more I'm getting rid of the pressure and the rush to get into bonds which aren't nourishing. I'm easily recognizing red flags. I get to work on my short comings and myself. I get to find my own grounding so that I can be in a relationship built on solid rock and which intensely stimulates me not only sexually but mentally.

I'd have this on the patio to scare away visitors😂😂. Well this and the 'go away' mat...😂😂