Haruki Murakami says in his short story The Mirror that people who see ghosts just see ghosts and never have premonitions. And those who have premonitions don't see ghosts. I am more of latter than the former I think. It's not like I have those catatonic- eyes- rolling- back- into- the- eye- socket states. Mine are more like how I feel the sun's rays on my skin and sometimes they come in the form of very vivid dejavus.
Take the last interview I had 2 weeks ago for example. It was my second interview in like 4 years. My first interview was for a sales job in an insurance company. I got in but the job was too demanding. Such jobs are for particular people with certain personalities I swear. I realized soon enough that I didn't cut it. After I got a free T-shirt I disappeared I tell you. That T-shirt was the only good thing that came out of it.
I was excited about this second interview. Really excited because it was in my career line. But then again I was nervous. That was expected obviously. After such a long time of nothing then this light at the tunnel, I really was a mix of emotions. The interview was online but I prepared for it like it was a face to face one. Like it was a life and death matter. Online interviews can be unnerving too. This was a big thing for me. I was going to give it my all.
The interview was really good. I was confident that I did my best. After the interview I remember feeling great that the interview was finally done and over with. I was especially grateful that the nerves would finally be gone. At the same time I felt a kind of peace and light. It was like, finally this was it. This was going to be my break.
While I waited for the interview results, I was caught in this bubble of imaginations. I don't know if other people get to be in that bubble. All I know is that people hardly talk about that window period between the day of the interview and the day you get to know your fate that is if you are lucky to know. I always hate it when they don't give feedback after an interview or timelines as to when you'll know if you've made it or haven't.
Back to my bubble; I started picturing myself being in Nairobi. That big place where a lot of people want me to be but which really doesn't fascinate me much. It moves too fast. I mean, yeah, I wouldn't mind working in Nairobi but I know for sure I wouldn't fall in love with it. I pictured where I'd stay. How much fare I'd likely use in week. My meal plan. The clothes I'll have to wear. I even bought new shoes and pants just in case the case ruled in my favour.
Days moved and my rainbow bubble sort of just vanished. I started wondering when they'd ever get back to me. Close to when I received that We-regret-to-inform-you email, I started feeling weird. There is a way I perceive the world when something is about to hit the rocks. Sometimes I wake up and I'm like this day is off and for sure something almost always happens that day. Sometimes those 'somethings' are small and sometimes they are monumental. It freaks me out most times. And funny thing is, I always have these feelings during the day. Never at night.
So yeah, the sun's rays felt like ice on my skin. The air was suffocating. The birds were flying wrong. They made the wrong noise. The rain felt wrong. I felt an eery silence even in the wind. There was this feeling of being overly overwhelmed. I could almost smell the disappointment coming. I could see it poking its head round the corner and I could make out the smirk it had.
It goes to say that when I got that email I was not really shocked. I was very much disappointed but not shocked. Those feelings are long gone. They always find their wings when those events pass. They always do anyway. I never try to question them. I just let the feelings be while my internal compass re-adjusts.
So there goes; Nairobi will not see me or feel my steps any time soon. I wish you Nairobi people could stop asking me when I am coming there or why I am not coming there. I don't even wish. I want you to stop asking. I am tired of that question and it is irritating honestly. I don't even know why you keep on pestering. Just enough of it please. I'll be there when I'll be there.
As of now I am okay I guess. I just have to let that feeling of disappointment fade away. With adulting, the struggle is always there. I'll still apply for some more jobs. I've received one too many rejection emails but when you get one after reaching the interview level it hits different. They say such is life however...Ha-ha. Well I hope for fair winds moving forward.
Anyway, that was that. At least something good came out if it; I felt like I was good enough. Also, I seriously needed new shoes.
Take the last interview I had 2 weeks ago for example. It was my second interview in like 4 years. My first interview was for a sales job in an insurance company. I got in but the job was too demanding. Such jobs are for particular people with certain personalities I swear. I realized soon enough that I didn't cut it. After I got a free T-shirt I disappeared I tell you. That T-shirt was the only good thing that came out of it.
I was excited about this second interview. Really excited because it was in my career line. But then again I was nervous. That was expected obviously. After such a long time of nothing then this light at the tunnel, I really was a mix of emotions. The interview was online but I prepared for it like it was a face to face one. Like it was a life and death matter. Online interviews can be unnerving too. This was a big thing for me. I was going to give it my all.
The interview was really good. I was confident that I did my best. After the interview I remember feeling great that the interview was finally done and over with. I was especially grateful that the nerves would finally be gone. At the same time I felt a kind of peace and light. It was like, finally this was it. This was going to be my break.
While I waited for the interview results, I was caught in this bubble of imaginations. I don't know if other people get to be in that bubble. All I know is that people hardly talk about that window period between the day of the interview and the day you get to know your fate that is if you are lucky to know. I always hate it when they don't give feedback after an interview or timelines as to when you'll know if you've made it or haven't.
Back to my bubble; I started picturing myself being in Nairobi. That big place where a lot of people want me to be but which really doesn't fascinate me much. It moves too fast. I mean, yeah, I wouldn't mind working in Nairobi but I know for sure I wouldn't fall in love with it. I pictured where I'd stay. How much fare I'd likely use in week. My meal plan. The clothes I'll have to wear. I even bought new shoes and pants just in case the case ruled in my favour.
Days moved and my rainbow bubble sort of just vanished. I started wondering when they'd ever get back to me. Close to when I received that We-regret-to-inform-you email, I started feeling weird. There is a way I perceive the world when something is about to hit the rocks. Sometimes I wake up and I'm like this day is off and for sure something almost always happens that day. Sometimes those 'somethings' are small and sometimes they are monumental. It freaks me out most times. And funny thing is, I always have these feelings during the day. Never at night.
So yeah, the sun's rays felt like ice on my skin. The air was suffocating. The birds were flying wrong. They made the wrong noise. The rain felt wrong. I felt an eery silence even in the wind. There was this feeling of being overly overwhelmed. I could almost smell the disappointment coming. I could see it poking its head round the corner and I could make out the smirk it had.
It goes to say that when I got that email I was not really shocked. I was very much disappointed but not shocked. Those feelings are long gone. They always find their wings when those events pass. They always do anyway. I never try to question them. I just let the feelings be while my internal compass re-adjusts.
So there goes; Nairobi will not see me or feel my steps any time soon. I wish you Nairobi people could stop asking me when I am coming there or why I am not coming there. I don't even wish. I want you to stop asking. I am tired of that question and it is irritating honestly. I don't even know why you keep on pestering. Just enough of it please. I'll be there when I'll be there.
As of now I am okay I guess. I just have to let that feeling of disappointment fade away. With adulting, the struggle is always there. I'll still apply for some more jobs. I've received one too many rejection emails but when you get one after reaching the interview level it hits different. They say such is life however...Ha-ha. Well I hope for fair winds moving forward.
Anyway, that was that. At least something good came out if it; I felt like I was good enough. Also, I seriously needed new shoes.
Totally relate! Can be sure disappointing this life but what do we say? Anyways. At least something good came off, new shoes!.
ReplyDeleteReally disappointing. But yes...at least I bought myself new shoes!!
DeleteFinally the winds readjusted the sail🧚♀️. #At least something good came out of it.
ReplyDelete