To be Human

 

To be human is to hate people's guts. It is to be annoyed and angry that some people are in it to see you fail. It is to see your friends betray you. It is hear the words they say behind your back. It is to experience malice. It is to experience them soiling your name. It is to see people take advantage of your kindness and good heart. It is to hate them. It is to feel pain and hurt so unimaginable. It is to wonder what you did to deserve that. It is to cut them off no matter how far you've come together. It is to wall your heart and to be afraid of trusting again.

To be human is to do everything and to care and at the end no one appreciates you. It is to be there for people again and again and they never notice. It is to pour your heart. It is to give your all. It is to help people and get nothing in return. It is to be good. It is to shape your world sometimes to accomodate people but they won't even try because they are so used to you being there. It is to get fed up and feel suffocated. It is wanting to escape. It is to stop on your tracks and take care of yourself and get cancelled for it. It is to feel peace and to learn that you can't be there for all people because not everyone deserves your time and energy.

To be human is to not understand the dynamics of love. It is to question someone's intentions. It is to wonder about how old or young you think your partner should be. It is to have feelings but not be sure of them. It is to be calm and wild at heart. It is have fire in your eyes. It is to question your worth and the benefit of being in a relationship. It is to face your insecurities over and over again. It is one person having feelings and the other not feeling the same. It is those feelings coming and going. It is to be angry about those damn feelings. It is to be jealous some times.

To be human is to wonder about welcoming love but thinking if you are really ready to take that step. It is to have awkward moments. It is wanting to see that person but not wanting to face them because words disappear. It is to wonder what that person you like thinks of about you. If a smile instantly lights up their face when they think of you. It is to scrap those thoughts away because you don't believe you can love that person enough or that person can love you enough. It is to wonder how people say love leads because you like being control and at the end of it all you know that you will actually choose the person you love. It is to worry about being vulnerable because to love is to be vulnerable. It is to be afraid and to be really confused.

To be human is to feel overwhelmed. It is to give up. It is to lose hope. It is to not look forward to tomorrow. It is to practise selective amnesia. It is to throw away feelings under the rug only for those feelings to come back,hitting you like a wrecking ball. It is to curl in foetal position at night because that position seems to make you forget your troubles. It is to be in curse mode all the time. It is to wonder about the purpose of living. It is to spiral out of control. It is to lose your balance. It is to think about the intricacies of life and death. It is to feel helpless. It is to be at crossroads. It is to feel stuck. It is to wonder what direction to take.

To be human is to face the ugliness of death. It is to bury loved ones and to come to the fact that as long as you live, you will bury so many people; family, friends, colleagues. It is to have that fear grip you and take hold of you, sucking all the light from your world. It is to feel deaths cruelty. It is to wonder about your own death and how or if you'll be remembered. It is to never reconcile the fact that death is final. It is not coming to the terms that this day might be the last day you'll see someone. It is to wonder how to thank God when someone is gone. It is to wonder how life makes sense. It is to struggle with the waves of grief and its untimed schedule. It is to wonder when you'll be okay and knowing you'll never be really okay at the same time. It is to try to find your ground again while learning to live with the pain because life is moving on. It is to find that purpose to live again.

To be human is to feel many things. It is to be many things. It is to be in pieces. It is to pick up those pieces always. It is trying to make those forward steps and by amazing grace, hope to feel better or find better things. For the most part, it is tiring. And it sucks.